Brandon, at a New Year’s party, turns to his friend, Justin, and asks for a cigarette.

“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” Justin responds.

“I’m in the process of quitting,” replies Brandon with a grin. “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”

“Phase one?” wonders Justin.

“Yeah,” laughs Brandon, “I’ve quit buying.”

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Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

“Oh, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath,

“You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost!

What are you doing working here so late at night?”

“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

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Two monsters went to a Halloween party.

Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”

The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

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One night, a lady with a black eye stumbled into the police station.

She told the desk sergeant that she had heard a noise in her back yard and gone to investigate.

The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye.

‘Did you get hit by the same attacker?’ his captain asked.

‘No, sir,’ he replied. ‘I stepped on the same rake.’

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Wife not taking chances.

Every day Francesca went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Enzo.

When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave.

One day her friend Bianca asked, “Francesca why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?”

Francesca answered, “When Enzo was alive he always told me, ‘You’ve got such a great eyes it could bring a dead man back to life.’ So I’m not taking any chances!”