Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Maine, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.
Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.
A short time later, I was stopped by another trooper.
“What have I done?” I asked.
“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies.”
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A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic’s eyelids begin to flutter, her voice warbles, her hands float up above the table, and she begins to moan.
Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?”
“Yes, granddaughter, it’s me!”
“It’s really, really you, grandmother?” the woman repeats.
“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter!”
The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, grandmother?”
“Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me!”
The woman pauses for a moment, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you!”
“Anything, my child!”
“Grandmother, you’re Italian! When did you learn to speak English?”
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
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A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde’s driver’s license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, “What does a driver’s license look like?”
Irritated, the blonde cop said, “You dummy, it’s got your picture on it!”
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, “Aha! This must be my driver’s license” and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, “You’re free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this.”
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A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”
The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”
“All right. How long do you need them?”
The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”
