As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the base where he was working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the wife was upstairs and the husband was downstairs on the telephone. He was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet his neighbor.
“Give this to your wife,” he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into his hands. “She’s been yelling for it for 20 minutes!”
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My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.He said with excitement, “You appear quite elderly to be driving.”
“Well, yes, I am,” she replied proudly. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore.”
He asked “How do you know?”
“The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver’s license. I told him, yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, ‘You won’t need this anymore.’ So I thanked him and left!”
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Two neighbors are talking to each other.
First neighbor: Do you know that my dog is so smart, he waits for the newspaper to drop at the doorstep and then delivers it to me?
Second neighbor: Of course, I know that very well.
First neighbor: Really, well then, how?
Second neighbor: My dog came and told me.
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Willy: “Mom, are our neighbors very poor people?”
Mother: “I don’t think so, Willy. Why do you ask?”
Willy: “Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin.”
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The other day, my blonde neighbor came running up to me in the driveway, jumping for joy!
I didn’t know why she was jumping so excitedly, but I thought, ‘What the heck,’ and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said, “I have some really great news!”
I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.” She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, and told me that she was pregnant.
I knew she’d been trying for a while, so I told her, “That’s great, I couldn’t be happier for you!”
Then she said, “There’s more.”
I asked, “What do you mean there’s more?”
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart, and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!
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Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “If I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, comfortable.”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s a blonde. She’ll read it slowly.”
