A guy sitting in a bar is looking really nervous.
Every time the door opens, he jumps. Every time there is a noise, he cringes.
The bartender, after watching this for an hour, finally goes over and asks, “What’s the matter with you?”
“Well, I received a letter today that said if I didn’t stop fooling around with his wife, he was gonna shoot me.”
For heaven’s sake, why don’t you just stop fooling around with his wife?”
Came the reply, “I would, but he didn’t sign his name!!”
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A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner, Liam.
After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $5,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger,
“Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn`t dance a single step!”
“Well,” said Banta, “Did you remember to light a candle under the pot?”
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A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: “Talking Centipede $100.”
The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a walk.
The centipede doesn’t answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he’s been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.
He raises his voice and shouts, “Do you want to go for a walk?”
The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says,
“Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I’m putting on my shoes!”
