One Sunday a cowboy went to church.
When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.”
So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay…”
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A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director
to hold a graveside burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”
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A preacher was making a wooden trellis to support a climbing vine.
As he was pounding away, he noticed that a little boy was watching him.
The youngster did not say a word, so the preacher kept working. He was sure the lad would soon leave but he didn’t.
Pleased at the thought that his work was being admired, the preacher finally said, “Well, son, trying to pick up some pointers on carpentry work?”
“Nope. I’m just waiting to hear what a preacher says when he hits his thumb with a hammer.”
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A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always, the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The preacher said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher.”
The preacher questioned, “How come I don’t see you except for Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
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The new priest was hosting a meeting in the church of the young candidates for First Communion, with their parents.
Now, this church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life, i.e., the life of the community of the faithful. Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.
And then he said, “You see, each one of you is a little pane,” and pointing to each child, he said, “You’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And….”
It took a few moments before he realized why all the parents were laughing so hard.
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A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the Service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive! She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church, and at the end of the ceremony, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, “WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!”
