Not long after his marriage, Joe and his father met for lunch.
“Well, son,” asked the father, “how is married life treating you?”
“Not very well, I’m afraid,” sighed Joe. “It seems I married a nun.”
“A nun?” his father questioned.
“That’s right,” moaned Joe. “None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!”
Joe’s father nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times.
“Why don’t we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?”
Joe smiled, “Say, Dad, that’s a great idea!”
“Fine,” replied the father, “I’ll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates.”
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A couple whose marriage was on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.
“So,” said the counsellor, “you know the consequences, and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally.”
The wife flared up. “You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? Must I give him half? My money?”
“Yes,” said the counsellor. “He gets $2,000. You get $2,000.”
“What about my furniture? I paid for that.”
“Same thing,” answered the counsellor. “Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen.”
There was a challenging gleam in the wife’s eye.
“What about our three children?”
That stumped him. Shrewdly, he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer, “Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children, and your husband takes two.”
The wife shook her head. “No, I’m sure that wouldn’t work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn’t have the three I got.”
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On their 50th wedding anniversary
and during the banquet celebrating it, Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?”
Susan responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
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The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague.
As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn’t fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor into the car.
Determined to bring it along, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove to the luncheon location.
However they weren’t prepared for the glares and dirty looks they were getting from pedestrians and adjoining cars at every intersection.
As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they discovered that their car was right behind a long funeral procession.
There was really nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its large farewell message:
“GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN”
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A duck walks into a bar around lunchtime, sits down and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, “Oh my God, a talking duck! What are you doing here?”
The duck replies, “I’m dry-walling the building across the street. I’ll be in town for a few days.”
The next day, the duck walks back into the bar and the bartender says, “Hey duck, I was telling someone about you last night. They’re really interested in meeting with you!”
“Is that so?”
“There’s a travelling circus in town,” the bartender explained. “The ringmaster was in here last night and thought you’d be a star attraction for them!”
The duck looked puzzled and says, “Why the hell would a circus need a dry-waller?”
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The houseman invited over his boss and partners, for lunch.
With them, his little 5year-old daughter was there.
“Don’t you want to say the prayers before lunch, so Our Holly Father give us his blessings?,” asks the father.
“But… I don’t know what to say…,” the little girl admits.
“Just say what you heard your mommy say last time inside the kitchen!,” said her mother to help her.
And the girl: “Oh, God! Why in this life, my husband must invite all these people for lunch?”
