A Christian and an atheist were neighbors.
The Christian one day yells, “Lord, please send me food”.
The atheist heard this and replied, “There is no GOD!”
The next day, the Christian wakes up and goes to her porch to find bags of groceries.
He yells, “Thank You, LORD, for this food!”
As soon as the Christian said that, the atheist jumped out from the brush and replied, “Your GOD didn’t give you that food…I did!”
Without wasting a second, the Christian yells to the LORD, “Thank you for sending me this food and making Satan pay for it.”
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Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour and decided to go to a calm place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag, but they didn’t bother to pick them up since they had enough in the bag.
A few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying, “One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you…”
He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest, “Father, please come with me. Come and witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery.”
They both ran back to the cemetery gate, and the voices continued, “One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you…”
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said, “What about the two at the gate?”
The priest almost ran past the church gate…shouting, “We are not dead yet oooohh!!!”
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Kids Say Funny Things
JACK (3 yrs) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”
MELANIE (5yrs) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Said Melanie, “If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”
STEVEN (3yrs) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. “I love you so much, that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”
BRITTANY (4yrs) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know?”
SUSAN (4yrs) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”
MARC (4yrs) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”
JAMES (4yrs) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”
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Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.”
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!”
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.
“Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?”
God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”
