A man is waiting in line for a hit movie.
Behind him are two women.
The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together.
Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man, “Let them go first. You wouldn’t want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?”
The man says, “No, sir. I did that once, and I’ve been sorry ever since.”
==============================================
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, “Big Lobster Tales, $5 each.”
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, “Five dollars each for lobster tails. Is that correct?”
“Yes,” she said. “It’s our special just for today.”
“Well,” he said, “They must be little lobster tails.”
“No,” she replied, “It’s the really big lobster.”
“Big red lobster tails, $5 each”? he said, amazed. “They must be old lobster tails!”
“No, they’re definitely today’s.”
“Today’s big red lobster tails, $5 each?” he repeated, astounded.
“Yes,” she insisted.
“Well, here’s my five dollars,” he said. “I’ll take one.”
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, “Once upon a time, there was a really big, red lobster…”
==============================================
A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about 12, opened the door. “Is yer pa home?” he asked.
“No sir, he sure ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went to town.”
“Well,” said the farmer. “Is yer ma home?”
“No, she ain’t here either. She went to town with pa.” “Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?” “No sir, he went with pa and ma.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I kin do fer ya’?” inquired the young boy politely. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer pa.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It’s about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to pa about that,” he finally conceded. “I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Joe.”
==============================================
My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and a movie.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.
When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn’t want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.
A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away:
“Sorry it took so long but she was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not crap in the vegetable garden again.”
==============================================
An usher at a movie theatre notices a customer lying across three seats near the back of the theatre.
He tells the customer that he can only take up one seat. The customer just moans and rolls his eyes.
The usher goes to get his supervisor who also tells the customer he must only take one seat or he will call the police. Once again the customer just moans and rolls his eyes.
The supervisor calls the police, who come and tell the customer that he can only take up one seat. “What’s wrong with you?” they ask. The customer just moans and rolls his eyes.
The police officer asks the man, “Where did you come from?”
The man lifts a hand in the air, and says, “The balcony.”
