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Where’s Pa?

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

“Hey Wilmer!” the farmer yelled. “Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon up.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Wilmer answered. “But I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw, come on.” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbour said with a smile. “By the way, where is your Pa?”

Wilmer replied, “Under the wagon.”

Ralph came home drunk one night,

slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber…

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep Ralph.”

Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being. An animal.”

Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”

“Not bad,” replied Ralph the Hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.”

“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”

“Never.” said Ralph.

“Well just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster, “It’s no big deal.”

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell…

“RALPH wake up! You cr*pped the bed!”

A cowboy rides his horse into a small town.

His throat is parched, so he ties his horse to a pole next to a bar and goes in for a drink. He comes out a few minutes later, and someone already stole his horse.

The people of the town are looking to see his reaction, they aren’t even discreet about it. He looks around at everyone and says loud and clear: “I will walk back into the bar to get myself another drink, and if I don’t see my horse right in front of the bar, I will have to do what I did in Texas a year ago after someone stole my horse. And trust me, I didn’t like what I had to do in Texas a year ago.”

After his confident speech, the man walked back into the bar. The townsfolk looked at each other in fear and got the horse back.

The cowboy finished his second drink and walked out of the bar, saddled the horse, but just before he left the bartender walked up to him and asked. “Hey, cowboy, we know that we got you your horse back, but do you mind telling us what you had to do a year ago in Texas?”

The cowboy looked at him with an iron gaze and responded: “I had to walk home.”

A farmer was running back home.

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