A girl came back home from school and asked her grandmother, “Granny, what is a lover?”
“A lover!!” the grandmother said. “Let me think. Lov… Lover… Oh, my God!”
She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door.
She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out of the closet.
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A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic’s eyelids begin to flutter, her voice warbles, her hands float up above the table, and she begins to moan.
Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?”
“Yes, granddaughter, it’s me!”
“It’s really, really you, grandmother?” the woman repeats.
“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter!”
The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, grandmother?”
“Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me!”
The woman pauses for a moment, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you!”
“Anything, my child!”
“Grandmother, you’re Italian! When did you learn to speak English?”
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A grandmother is giving directions to her grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I buzz you in. Come inside and elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push third floor. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
“What… You’re coming empty-handed?”
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What women want in a man at age 22:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What women want in a man at age 32:
1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What women want in a man at age 42:
1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What women want in a man at age 52:
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What women want in a man at age 62:
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend
What women want in a man at age 72:
1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet
