Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.
One asks the other, “Do you recall your worst day last year?”
The other responds, “Yes, the day I had diarrhea!”
A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” he asked his assistant.
“He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn’t find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives”.
“You idiot” said the pharmacist “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives”.
“Of course you can” the assistant replied “Look at him… he is too afraid to cough now!!”
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate, “Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half an hour. Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to the office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.”
“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.”
“And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison.”
A little lizard was walking through the forest to see his pal the monkey.
The monkey call out hey little buddy come up here I got some great pot. So the little lizard climbed up the tree. The little lizard and the monkey smoked a great big joint. The little lizard said hey this stuff is great but I have horrible cottonmouth. Well there is a river just down there.
So the little lizard walk down the tree through the brush and started to drink the water. All of a sudden a crocodile came out of the water. Hey little buddy waz up said the croc, “I just got stoned with my pal the monkey.”
“Really” said the croc, “where is he I want some.” He is through the brush and up the tree. So the croc walked through the brush and to the tree.
The monkey said “holy shit how much did you drink little buddy.”
