A woman walks into a butcher’s shop just before closing time and asks, “Do you have any chicken?”
The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only chicken, and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs 1.5 kg.
The woman looks at the chicken and at the scales and asks, “Do you have one that’s a bit bigger than this one, please?”
The butcher puts the chicken back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time, when he puts it on the scales, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The scales now show 2 kg.
“That’s wonderful,” says the woman. “I’ll take both of them, please!”
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A difficult independent 75-year-old woman liked sitting by the park feeding the pigeons.
One day she brought with her a whole loaf of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in the rich suburban neighborhood.
Then suddenly a man in his early 40’s rained on her parade by telling her that she shouldn’t throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.
She replied in crazed anger and without hesitation, “Well, hell, I can’t throw that far!”
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A woman from Michigan and another from the East coast were seated side-by-side on an airplane.
The woman from Michigan, being friendly and all, said, “So, where are you from?”
The East coast woman said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”
The woman from Michigan sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, “So, where are you from, you silly bitch?”
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Sobbing uncontrollably, a woman called her husband’s lifelong golfing buddy.
“What’s the matter ?” asked the friend.
“It’s Sam,” she said. “I don’t know where I went wrong.”
“What do you mean ?”
“I was cleaning out Sam’s closet,” the wife explained,” and I found several boxes with miniskirt blouses and pantyhose in them.”
“So?”
“But they aren’t mine and when I asked Sam about them, he told me they were his.”
“There’s nothing to get upset about,” the friend assured her. “Everybody knows that Sam will do any thing to be able to hit from the ladies’ tee.”
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A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits.
The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee’s pay.
She said, “My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month’s sick leave AND they paid the full premiums.”
“I can’t help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits,” the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, “The company went bankrupt.”
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A woman finds Aladdin’s magic lamp.
She starts rubbing it, and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:
– I want my husband to have eyes only for me.
– I want to be the only one in his life.
– I want him to always sleep by my side.
– I want it so that when he gets up in the morning, I’m the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.
The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone….!!!
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An old woman went to see her doctor about her constipation problem.
“It’s horrible,” she said, “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Yes, doctor,” she replied, “I sit in the bathroom for 20 minutes in the morning and again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said, `I mean, do you take anything?”
“Naturally,” she answered, “I take a book.”
