The local bank near a large prison had a problem opening their safe one day.
Seems that the mechanisms working the combination failed, so they called the prison to seek help.
The prison had a convicted safe cracker in custody. They released him under guard and took him to the bank to see if he could open their safe.
The convict worked on the lock for quite a while but finally he was able to open the safe.
The bank president was delighted to see his safe opened without having to have it ruined in the process, he turned to the safe cracker and said, “Thanks for helping us out here, how much do we owe you?”
The safe cracker replied, “Well the last time I did one of these jobs I got about $100,000!”
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One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car,
and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden, an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver’s side door with him standing right there.
“NOOO!” he screamed.
Because he knew that no matter how much a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.
Finally, a policeman came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling.
“MY BMW’S DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!” he exclaimed.
“You’re a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman.
“Yes, I am. But what does this have to do with my car?” the lawyer asked.
“HA!” the policeman replied. “You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about are your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed: “MY ROLEX!!”
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When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.
“Pull the pin like a hand grenade,” he explained, “then depress the trigger to release the foam.”
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, “Like a hand grenade, remember?”
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin…. and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.
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A conversation heard at a local pub:
“Gee, Sam, I wish you were here with me.”
“But Tom, I am. Look, see, I’m right in front of you.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am.”
“Can prove you’re not. Bet you $5.”
“You’re on.”
“You’re not in New York City, are you?”
“That’s true.”
“And you’re not in Montreal.”
“Can’t argue with you there.”
“And you are definitely not in Paris.”
“Nope.”
“If you’re not in New York City, Montreal, or Paris, then you must be someplace else.”
“Yeah, that makes sense.”
“Well, if you’re someplace else, you can’t be here. So pay up, let’s have the $5.”
“Can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not here.”
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Mildred, the local gossip and self appointed keeper of the church’s morals, kept poking her nose into other people’s business.
Several members of the church did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but kept to themselves in fear of reprisal. She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, Sam, of being an alcoholic after seeing his old pickup parked outside the town’s only pub one afternoon.
She emphatically told Sam and several others of the congregation that by seeing his car there, everyone would know exactly what he was doing. Sam, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away.
He didn’t explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Sam quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house…and left it there all night.
