1. My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
2. “What did one ghost say to another?”
“Do you believe in people?”
3. “Where did you get those big eyes?”
“They came with the face.”
4. “My wife doesn’t know what she wants.”
“You’re lucky. My wife does.”
5. “Room Service? Can you send up a towel?”
“Please wait someone else is using it.”
6. I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it.
7. My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.
8. Daughter: Mommy, what’s it like to have the most awesome daughter in the world?
Mother: I don’t know, ask your grandmother.
9. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
10. Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
11. One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if i could help her check her balance… so i pushed her over.
12. “Do you think I”ll lose my looks as I get older?”
“Yes if you’re lucky.”
13. I’ll change my facebook username to NOBODY,
So that way when people post crappy posts,
and I press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this.
14. “Has there been any insanity in your family?”
“Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he’s the boss.”
15. You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
16. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
17. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
18. Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let’s start from your bank account.
19. “Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?”
“I ought to be able to. I’ve had 12 different jobs in four months.”
