Little Johnny was late for class.
He walked into the classroom, quietly shut the door behind him, and tiptoed to his seat, all the while hoping his teacher wouldn’t notice. But, nevertheless, the teacher was well aware of his entry.
Upset by his tardiness, the teacher asked, “Is this how your father would have come in? Would he have come in late and tried to sneak to his desk?”
The teacher pointed to the door and continued, “Now, leave this classroom and try it again. And, be sure to get it right next time!”
So, Little Johnny picked up his books and left the room. A few moments later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his mouth.
He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the floor, and said, “So, Honey, didn’t expect *me*, did you?”
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Lucas was walking home late one night when he came upon this intoxicated tramp on the sidewalk.
Wanting to help, he asked the man, “Do you live here?”
“Yesh,” the man slowly replied.
“Would you like me to help you upstairs?” Lucas asked.
“Yesh,” the man slowly sputtered.
When they got up on the second floor Lucas asked, “Is this your floor?”
“Yesh,” again the man replied.
Lucas got to thinking that maybe he didn`t want to face the man`s irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs.
But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another tramp lying on the sidewalk. So Lucas asked that man, “Do you live here?”
“Yesh.”
“Would you like me to help you upstairs?”
“Yesh.”
So Lucas did and put him in the same door with the first tramp. Then went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another tramp.
So Lucas started over to him. But before he got to him, the tramp staggered over to a policeman and cried, “For God`s sake, offisher, protect me from thish man. He`sh been doing nothing all night long but takin` me upstairsh and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”
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A mother visits her son for dinner, who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother could not help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long suspected a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious…
Over the course of the evening, as she watched the two interact, she began to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, he volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.”
About a week later, his roommate came up to him and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I could not find the silver plate. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
He said, ”Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.” He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother: I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the silver plate from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the silver plate. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, your son.
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son: I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.
Love, Mom.
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Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.
“What’s the story this time, Jones?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, boss. My wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river – look, my suit’s still damp – ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”
“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”
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Not Easy To Be A Teacher
Teacher: Construct a sentence using the word sugar.
Pupil: I drank tea this morning.
Teacher: Where is the word sugar.
Pupil: It is already in the tea…!!!
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TEACHER: Our topic for today is Photosynthesis.
TEACHER: Class, what is photosynthesis?
Student: Photosynthesis is our topic today.
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TEACHER: John is climbing a tree to pick some mangoes. (Begin the sentence with Mangoes)
Student: Mangoes, John is coming to pick you…
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TEACHER: What do you call mosquitoes in your language?
Student: We don’t call them, they come on their own…
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TEACHER: Name the nation, people hate most.
Student: Exami-nation…
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TEACHER: How can we keep our school clean?
Student: By staying at home…
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TEACHER: One day our country will be corruption free. What tense is that??
Student: Future impossible tense…
