In the traffic court a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light.
She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge’s eyes.
“You’re a school teacher, eh?” he said. “Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I’ve waited years to have a school teacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not drive through red lights’ 500 times!”
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette die and go to heaven…
There they are greeted by St. Peter who looks at them grimly.
“Unfortunately, heaven is quite full at the moment so you must all undergo a test to prove your worth. Before you all is the stairway to heaven totalling one thousand steps. On each step I will tell you a joke, they will get progressively funnier as you go higher with the funniest joke you’ve ever heard on the thousandth step. Should you laugh at any moment, you will instantly be sent to hell. Do you understand?”
The three girls nodded.
“Then let us begin,” St. Peter said.
They each got on the first step and St. Peter proceeds to tell them the worst joke you’ve ever heard in the world. As expected, none of them laugh and they proceed to the next step.
At the 365th step, the redhead bursts into laughter and is instantly sent to hell. The blonde and the brunette soldier onward. Once they get to the 800th step, the brunette doubles over in laughter and is instantly sent to hell.
St. Peter continues with the jokes, trying his hardest to get the blonde to laugh but to no avail. When they arrive at the 1000th step, before he could even open his mouth, the blonde shrieks hysterically dying from laughter. She is instantly sent to hell.
Puzzled, St. Peter descends down to hell to find the blonde. When he sees her he asks, “My child, you were doing so well. How come you started laughing? I have not even begun to tell the joke.”
The blonde, still laughing, replies, “I finally got the first joke!!”
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An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather in New York was too bad to allow his usual on-time departure.
The weather in New York finally cleared, and the pilot requested his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.
Sometime later, he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country, he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule, he inquired, quite agitated, of the controller for the reason for the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.
The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, “Look, buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don’t see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!”
The controller answered in a calm voice, “Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747’s collide!”
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A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife.
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.
The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”
The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”
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I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity.
On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
“How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?” asked one woman.
“A good question,” replied the instructor. “At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
The woman thought about this for a while before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
