Frank was barely sitting down when he heard a voice from the other stall saying, “Hi, how are you doing?”
He’s not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but he don’t know what got into him, so he answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doing just great!”
And the person in the other stall said, “So, what are you up to?”
What kind of question is that? At this point, Frank was thinking this was too bizarre, so he said, “Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!”
At this point he was just trying to get out as fast as he could, when he heard another question, “Can I come over?”
This question was just too weird for Frank, but he figured he could just be polite and end the conversation. He told the person, “No… I’m a little busy right now!!!”
Then he heard the person say nervously, “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!”
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Frank and Jim are walking down the street
When Jim turns to Frank and says, “Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes-Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player, and all of that, the same, would you give me one?”
Frank says, “Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you.”
So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, “Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were the same, would you give one of them to me?”
Jim says, “Frank, you and I are like brothers. You were the best man at my wedding, you attended my son’s wedding, and we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah, Frank, I really would give the other one to you.”
They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, “Frank, if you had two chickens…”
“Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I’ve got two Chickens!”
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For years Frank’s knees or elbows would start to ache at 8:50am and 8:50pm.
At first he thought nothing of it….he was getting older and he figured it was all part of aging.
After about 5 years Frank got concerned and starting seeing doctor after doctor trying to figure out what what was causing it. Desperate he started looking to alternative medicine…no help…he started seeing doctors running pill mills…no help. The pain would come back twice a day every day.
At his wits’ end he goes and sees a doctor in a filthy clinic. This doctor had been suspended many times, sued and lost every lawsuit, but Frank was losing hope for a diagnosis.
Sitting on an exam table in a thin paper exam gown, Frank tells the sleazy doctor.. “Every day, every day at 8:50 I’m in pain….the best doctors in the state cannot figure out what the cause is.”
The sleazy doctor sitting there in his stained lab coat….filter-less cigarette dangling from his mouth looks up and down at Frank and finally says: “It’s simple. You have ten-to-ninetis.”
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Two newfies, George and Frank, are getting tired of Newfoundland and start to think about moving out West for a better life.
George is all for it but Frank is a little skeptical.
George says, “Frank bye, the work is plentiful, lotsa tings ta do and it’ll be a good change fer us.
“Frank replies, “I know Garge but what about the Atlantic?” Won’t you miss the fishin, and smell of the salt water in the mornin’?
“George agrees, but offers an Idea, “Well Frank, why don’t you take your fishin’ dory witch a and whenever ya starts to miss da rock ya can hop in your dory and fantasize about St. Johns.”
Well that’s all it took to convince Frank, and they strap the dory to the roof of the truck and off they go. Well it’s been 4 days driving and Frank is really missing Newfoundland, so George stops the truck in the middle of the prairies and says, “Look out at dose flat wheat fields Frank, doesn’t dat remind you of the ocean, the way the wind is blowin’ through the grain?”
Frank replies, “Lard tunderin Jasus Garge yer right!” They unhook the dory and haul it out to the middle of the field, sit back, relax and start rowing. Well it just happens that, at the same time another Newfie is on his way back from Alberta and spots the plates on their truck and then notices the two of them out on the field rowing away.
Well the new arrival gets so angry he stops his truck, hops out and begins to scream at them.
“No wonder the whole country tinks we’re stupid, look at you two fools out there rowin ‘Jasus, if I could swim I’d come out there and kick yer arses!!!!!”
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A lady had a height problem, she was TOO tall, being excatly 2 meters tall.
She hated the way she had to duck to walk through a doorway, the way she felt so uncomfortable in a car. So she visited an expert.
The expert said, “Go visit the Dwarven Town. It’s full of dwarfs. Find any dwarf, and ask him if he’ll marry you. Every time a dwarf says ‘no,’ you grow 10 cm shorter!”
The lady did as she was told. She went to the Dwarven Town, and found a dwarf, and asked if he would marry her. He refused. She found herself 10 cm shorter.
She quickly repeated this act another time on another dwarf. Now 180 cm tall, she decided to ask one more dwarf then go home.
She boldly walked up to a dwarf and asked if he would marry her.
The dwarf replied,: “No, no, no, no, no…! I don’t want to marry a tall person like you! You’re too tall! No, no, no, no, no!”
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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Because Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If any of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”
The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings”
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
“Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!”
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
“Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!”
The Devil brought forward a chair.
“Drill 7 holes in the seat.”
The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?”
The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”
“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my ass hole.”
And the idiot went to Heaven.
