A Doctor gets taken short up in the middle of the night and finds his toilet is completely blocked.
He says to his wife, “I’m going to have to call a plumber.”
The wife replies, “You can’t call a plumber out at three in the morning!”
He says, “Of course I can! I have to go out on night-time calls if a patient needs me.”
Anyway, he rings a plumber, who complains bitterly about having to come out in the middle of the night.
The Doctor says the same thing, “I have to come out on late-night calls to see patients, why shouldn’t you?”
At about 3.30AM the plumber arrives, very bleary-eyed, and the Doctor shows him to the blocked toilet.
The plumber drops two tablets down the pan and says to the Doctor, “If there’s no change, call me in the morning!”
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Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with “the boys.”
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight … promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness – even when smashed – to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, “Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said ‘dang it,’ cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and giggled.”
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After a family meal one night, three generations of the family are sitting around chatting. Jenny, a four-year-old, is sitting on her grandfather’s knee.
Jenny: “Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?”
Grandfather: “What?”
Jenny: “Can you make a noise like a frog?”
Grandfather: “Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?”
Jenny: “Well, last night Daddy said that when you croak, we can all go to Disneyland.”
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On their anniversary night,
Theodore and his wife, Sophia, sat down in the den with her favourite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.
“How romantic!” Sophia thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, Sophia was still waiting for dinner to be served.
She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Theodore, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.
“Almost ready!” he vowed. “Sorry it took me so long, I had to refill the pepper shaker.”
“Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?”
“More than an hour, I reckon. Wasn`t easy stuffin` it through those dumb little holes.”
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It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, “I’m here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . .”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“SH*T!” said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
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The henpecked plumber rang the bell.
The master and the mistress of the house came to the door together.
As the three stood in the hall, the husband, a methodical man, announced, “I wish, before you go upstairs, to acquaint you with my trouble.”
The plumber shyly dropped his eyes.
“Pleased to meet yer, ma’am,” he mumbled as he held out his hand to the wife.
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I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas.
For three days, all I heard from him was… “In Texas, we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that, etc., etc.” It eventually became very annoying.
I am from Niagara Falls, and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the “Magnificent Niagara”, knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this “Wonder of Water and Power”.
While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes.
It was then that I asked him, “Do you have anything like this in Texas?”
He waited a moment before he answered, “No, but we have a plumber who could fix it.”
