Charlie was a very successful marketing director.
Sadly, his wife Rita died. At the cemetery, Joe’s friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads:
“Here lies Rita, wife of Charlie, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd.”
Charlie was standing in front of Rita’s grave, reading the headstone, when he suddenly burst into tears.
His brother says to him, “I’m not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It’s right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on our Rita’s headstone.”
Through his tears, Joe sobs, “You don’t understand. They left out the phone number.”
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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ….”
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! The Devil and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”
The man said, “Beat it, kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”
The old man beat the boy to the gate.
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Rita is complaining to her friends about her husband’s extreme dedication to his new job.
You see, Rita’s husband has been jobless for quite a while.
She tells her friends, “I appreciate that at last he’s found a new job, but I don’t like him taking his work home and finishing it in our bedroom.”
“Why, what’s his new job?”
“He’s an embalmer.”
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His wife having passed away an Englishman went to the local monumental mason in order to acquire a suitable headstone in time for the funeral.
The mason asked for suggestions regarding a suitable inscription. The customer considered the problem and decided that, as his late wife had been quite religious, name, dates etc. and “She was thine” would be suitable.
He agreed to return in two days and paid extra for the master’s rapid service. When he came back he was shown the stone by the apprentice mason and examined it. He demanded to see the master and complained that the stone had obviously been prepared by the apprentice. “How can you tell” he was asked.
“Look at it man, it says” “She was THIN” “THIN!” “He’s only gone and forgotten the e”! The mason apologized profusely and said it can be fixed by that very afternoon if the customer would return then.
Well, when he returned to look at the work he went into an absolute rage and shouted at the master that he must have given this important task to the apprentice again. “How can you tell” asked the master.
“Well”, raved the customer, “now it says” “Eeee, she was thin”.
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Joe spent the evening tossing down a number of beers at the local bar.
It was after eleven o’clock when he finally staggered out into the cold and rainy night in an attempt to find his way home. With the weather as bad as it was, he soon became lost, and found himself wandering through the town Cemetery. He slipped while walking and fell headlong into a freshly dug grave. In his condition, the rain and mud proved too much to handle, and he couldn’t manage to climb out.
“Help!” he cried out. “Help! I’m so cold!”
A little while later, another over indulged inebriant left the bar. As luck would have it, the second man was nearby when he heard Joe cry.
“Help, I’m so cold!” Joe continued to call.
The other man staggered in the direction of the voice. It got louder and louder as he neared the cemetery.
“Help! I’m cold! Help! I’m cold!”
The second man followed the voice and approached the grave. As he peered over the side, Joe looked up and yelled one more time,
“Help! I’m cold!”
“Of course you’re cold, replied the second drunk, peering down.”You’ve kicked off all your dirt.”
