Bob owned a pub in Ludhiana, and in the summertime, a swarm of flies seemed to just hover over the buffet table.
This had been going on for about a month.
Joe, the neighborhood mooch, walked in one day.
“I’m not giving you another free beer!” Bob hollered as he noticed Joe.
Joe was not without a plan, however. He approached Bob and offered him a deal.
“I’ve been noticing these flies for the last few weeks. If you’ll give me a shot, I’ll k1ll every one of them for you.”
Bob gave him the agreed-upon shot. Once he had downed it, Joe got up and headed for the door.
“All right,” he shouted, “send them out – one at a time!”
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Leaving the pub after drinking heavily, this fellow got into his car and decided that the best thing for him to do would be to follow the rear lights of another car that was just pulling out.
Everything was fine for about three miles when the lights of the car in front went out, and the drunk driver smashed into the back of it.
“Hey, what do you think you’re doing, turning your lights off? It’s pitch black,” shouted the drunk driver.
“What the hell do you expect me to do?” came the answer. “I’m in my own garage.”
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A conversation heard at a local pub:
“Gee, Sam, I wish you were here with me.”
“But Tom, I am. Look, see, I’m right in front of you.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am.”
“Can prove you’re not. Bet you $5.”
“You’re on.”
“You’re not in New York City, are you?”
“That’s true.”
“And you’re not in Montreal.”
“Can’t argue with you there.”
“And you are definitely not in Paris.”
“Nope.”
“If you’re not in New York City, Montreal, or Paris, then you must be someplace else.”
“Yeah, that makes sense.”
“Well, if you’re someplace else, you can’t be here. So pay up, let’s have the $5.”
“Can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not here.”
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Two smart fellows were in a pub.
They called the pub’s owner over and asked him to settle an argument.
“Are there two pints in a quart or four?” asked one.
“There are two pints in a quart”, confirmed the owner. They moved back along the bar, and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
“Two pints please, miss, and they are on the house.”
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the owner at the other end of the bar, “You did say two pints, didn’t you?”
“That’s right,” he called back, “two pints.”
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A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat.
He says to the barman, “Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please”.
The barman says, “Wow, that’s amazing! You should join the circus!”
The dog replies, “Why? Do they need electricians?”
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There are two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed!”
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog.”
The bouncer says, “A Doberman Pinscher?”
He answers, “Yes, they’re using them now; they’re very good and protect me from robbers, too.”
The man at the door says, “Come on in.”
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck!” He puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed!”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”
The man with the Chihuahua says, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?”
