A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails.
She was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails started growing normally.
Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her problem.
“No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.”
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A young man’s mother was now living in the big city and he didn’t see her that often.
His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely.
For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.
“Ma, what do you think of the bird?”
“The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer.”
“You ate the bird? Mom, that bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!”
“Oh, excuse me. but, if that bird was so smart, why didn’t it say something when I put it in the oven?”
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A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn’t physically impaired, he remained in the Navy and eventually became an Admiral. During his career, he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day, the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type, and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview, the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
The Master Chief answered, “I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well, yes, you seem to be short one ear.”
The Admiral threw him out, also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral went ahead with the same question.
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, “Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.”
The Admiral, impressed, thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, “Well, sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”
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A young man was a very slow worker and subsequently found it difficult to hold down a job.
After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo.
When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section. Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open.
“Where are the tortoises?” he asked.
“I can’t believe it,” said the new employee, “I just opened the door and whoosh, they were gone!”
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’“ and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple. “Oh, come on!,” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”
