A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30 PM.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed n*de into the bedroom – only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
“Now, what?!!”‘ he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”
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There once was a husband and wife who were unable to have children.
After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.
“My children,” the priest began, “The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning an extended stay in Rome, and while I’m visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you.”
“Thank you, Father, thank you!” said the couple.
Before leaving, the priest turned and said, “I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time–15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to visit you.”
And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States.
While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. So he made his way to their home, and upon arriving at the residence of the couple who’d sought his counsel years earlier, he rang the doorbell.
Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a DOZEN children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos stood the wife.
“My dear,” the priest said, “your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him, too, on your miracle!”
“He just left for Rome,” she said in a very desperate tone.
“Rome? Why did he go to Rome?” asked the priest.
“To blow out that candle you lit!”
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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.
“Oh, well, never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,” the husband explained.
“She was a communications major in college, and I majored in theatre arts.”
He continued, “She communicates well, and I act like I’m listening.”
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, “So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it’s half the price.”
He never knew what hit him.
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Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stops by his office.
As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.
Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter:
“And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
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A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife.
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.
The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”
The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”
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Sobbing uncontrollably, a woman called her husband’s lifelong golfing buddy.
“What’s the matter ?” asked the friend.
“It’s Sam,” she said. “I don’t know where I went wrong.”
“What do you mean ?”
“I was cleaning out Sam’s closet,” the wife explained,” and I found several boxes with miniskirt blouses and pantyhose in them.”
“So?”
“But they aren’t mine and when I asked Sam about them, he told me they were his.”
“There’s nothing to get upset about,” the friend assured her. “Everybody knows that Sam will do any thing to be able to hit from the ladies’ tee.”
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Husband and wife went shopping to get new dresses for the wife.
After seeing numerous dresses, she shortlisted around 100 and further brought it down to 25. Out of these, she asked her husband to choose 5 dresses among them. Then she finally picked up one dress. It took 5 hours to finalise one dress.
The husband settled the bill and commented, “Adam was very lucky because he and Eve used to wear only leaves. He need not have wasted too much of time.”
Ultimate comment of wife, “Who knows how many trees Adam had to climb and finally choose the leaves as per the wish of Eve. You are lucky… you have to just sit in AC shop…”
Moral: Never argue with a woman while shopping.
