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A very devout man who was very overweight decided to go on a diet.
One of his main problems with eating was that he would stop for donuts every morning on the way to work. So to make things easier for himself, he changed his route to work to avoid the temptation of stopping.
As the weeks went by he started losing a lot of weight and was receiving compliments from his friends and co-workers.
Then one morning without thinking, he accidentally turned onto the road which would take him by the donut shop.
At first he was going to turn around but then he thought to himself, “Maybe the Lord is rewarding me for my efforts”.
So, he said a short prayer telling the Lord that if this was His true intention let there be an open parking place directly in front of the shop.
And sure enough, on the fifth time around the block there was an open spot right up front.
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Benjamin is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas.
Eventually, he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men’s room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter.
Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table, and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Benjamin goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man, he will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, “I’m that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter.”
“Yes, I remember you well, but you aren’t the one I’m looking for. I mean the guy who left the stall door open!”
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A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party. He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two.
He said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!”
The wife went red with shock and rage. She shouted: “Who was that?”
The drunk manager was so frightened that he forgot the second half of the joke, and he blurted out, “I can’t remember!”
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A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads
“Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238” and decides to make the call. The operator asks, “How much weight do you want to lose?”
“Five pounds,” he replies.
“We’ll have a representative over in the morning,” says the operator.
About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, scantily-clad with a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me”.
The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. And he has her. After that, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 5 pounds!
That night he calls the number again and says, “I want to lose 10 pounds.”
“We’ll send someone over.”
The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me”. The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 10 pounds!
That night he calls and says, “I want to lose 20 pounds!”
“Twenty pounds?” the operator asks. “That’s an awful lot.”
The man replies, “Listen, just take care of it!”
About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I Catch You, I Can Have You”.
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There was a beautiful, young girl at a soda machine in Vegas,
and she arrived there just before a businessman coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine for a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
Then she reached into her purse again, pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put them in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the businessman, who’d been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. “Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?”
She looked at him and indignantly asked,
“Well, can’t you see I’m still winning?”
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A woman in an diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight.
She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they’d eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.
She smiled, “He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!”
