A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research.
His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him.
“Sir, why don’t you take the day off today?” he said, “I’ve heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture, and you can just sit back and relax.”
The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again.
When they arrived at the seminar, the scientist put on the chauffeur’s hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would.
At the end of the lecture, the chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, “Are there any questions?”
One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter. The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull himself together.
“That, professor, is a very simple question,” he answered, “in fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur can answer it.”
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Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question.
The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.
The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.
“Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?”
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn’t missed a question all week.
“Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?”
Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn’t believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.
“I’ll try the easier part first.”
The M.C. nodded approvingly. “Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half.”
The audience silenced with gross anticipation…
“Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?”
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At the height of a corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
“Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t hear the question.
“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”
“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
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John noticed that Peter was looking depressed, and asked what was wrong.
“Well,” said Peter, “I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask.
Now I’m in deep trouble at home.”
“What kind of question?” asked John.
“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly.”
“That’s easy,” said John. “You just say ‘Of course I will’.”
“Yeah,” said Peter, “That’s what I did, except I said ‘Of course I DO…”
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A soccer coach walked into the locker room before a game,
looked at his star player and said: “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.”
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks: “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?”
The player thought for a moment and then he answered: “I think… no… yes… I’m not sure… what about 4?”
“Did you say 4?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming: “Come on coach, give him another chance!”
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A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew, and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young Englishwoman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her nud3.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request, he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $25,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. In a few minutes, he returned.
“It would be my pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus,” he said, “The wife says it’s okay. I’ll paint ya in da nud3 alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes.”
