A pastor and a priest from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road, holding up a sign that reads:
The End Is Near!! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!
“Take a hike and leave us alone, you religious nuts!” shouted the first driver as he sped by.
Suddenly, from around the curve, the clergy heard screeching tires and a big crash.
“Do you think it would be better if we put up a sign that says ‘BRIDGE OUT’ instead?” the pastor asks the priest.
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A priest decides one mid weekday to visit one of his elderly parishioners, Mrs. Smith.
He rings the door bell and Mrs. Smith appears.
“Good Day Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how your are doing.”
The woman says, “Oh just fine Father, come on in and we`ll have some tea.”
While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. “Mind if I have one?”, the priest says.
“Not at all, have as many as you like”.
After a few hours the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visting says to Mrs Smith, “Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh dear, I`ve eaten all your almonds. I`ll have to replace them next time I visit.”
To which Mrs Smith replied, “Oh don`t bother, Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it`s all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them.”
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A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day.
They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.
Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.
After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”
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This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign.
When the cop checked the man’s driver’s license, he said, “You’re wearing glasses on your ID, and you’re not now. I’m going to give you a ticket.”
The guy said, “Officer, I have contacts.”
The cop said, “Look, buddy, I don’t care who you know, I’m giving you a ticket.”
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Jay observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read “Unique Breakfast” so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
Jay: “What`s your `Unique Breakfast?`”
Waitress”Baked tongue of chicken.”
Jay: “Baked tongue of chicken?… Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken`s mouth!”
Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?”
“Just bring me scrambled eggs,” Jay replied.
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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff.
He thinks he’s smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia.
The sheriff asks for license and registration.
The lawyer asks, “What for?”
The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
The lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.”
“You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” say the sheriff impatiently.
The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
The sheriff says, “That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle.”
The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.
The sheriff says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”
