Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with “the boys.”
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight … promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness – even when smashed – to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, “Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said ‘dang it,’ cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and giggled.”
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On their anniversary night,
Theodore and his wife, Sophia, sat down in the den with her favourite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.
“How romantic!” Sophia thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, Sophia was still waiting for dinner to be served.
She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Theodore, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.
“Almost ready!” he vowed. “Sorry it took me so long, I had to refill the pepper shaker.”
“Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?”
“More than an hour, I reckon. Wasn`t easy stuffin` it through those dumb little holes.”
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Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time because his wife wouldn’t let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.
The following week when Steve’s buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
“How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?”
“I didn’t have to,” Steve replied.
“Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn’t go fishing. Then my lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’.
When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ‘Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,’ So, Here I am!”
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A husband and wife are having a friendly debate one night, centered on the topic of who has better friends.
They each offer a wide variety of anecdotes and stories, but in the end, they decide to put it to the test.
“Here’s what we’ll do,” the wife suggests. “I’ll call your friends, and you call mine. We’ll both pretend that the other person hasn’t come home yet, and that we’re worried. Whoever’s friends give the best advice about where to find us clearly know us better, and therefore are better.”
The husband agrees to the game, and they both head off into separate rooms. When they reconvene a half an hour later, the husband looks defeated.
“Well, honey,” he says, “I think it’s pretty clear that you have better friends. Every one of them listed each of your favorite restaurants, salons, shops, and art galleries, and they had phone numbers for each of them. They knew your work hours by heart, your office extension, your boss’s name, and even the route that you take home.”
The wife shakes her head. “No, dear,” she replies, “you have better friends.”
“Why do you say that?” asks the husband.
“Well,” the wife replies, “most of them said that you’d been at their place, and three of them said that you were still there.”
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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in their marriage. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
