Drunk man talking
A guy comes home with a cat in his arms and says, “The man says this is a Cannibal monkey.”
The wife says, “You are drunk an talking out your head!”
“Shush, I’m talking to the cat.”
A man and a monkey walk into a bar.
The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar and eats a very old olive that was sitting there.
The bartender says, “Did you see what your monkey did? He ate that disgusting olive!”
The man says, “Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it.”
The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.
A couple days later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the pool table and swallows the cue ball.
The bartender says, “Did you see what your monkey did? He swallowed the cue ball!”
The man says, “Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it.”
The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.
A week later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar, picks up a cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender says, “That is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. Your monkey stuck that cherry up his butt and ate it.”
The man says, “Yeah, ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first.”
A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: “Talking Centipede $100.”
The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a walk.
The centipede doesn’t answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he’s been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.
He raises his voice and shouts, “Do you want to go for a walk?”
The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says,
“Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I’m putting on my shoes!”
