A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor.
After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, “This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!”
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, “OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?”
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A couple was roaring down the road on a Honda motorcycle when the guy pulled over because his leather jacket had a broken zipper.
He told his girlfriend, “I can’t keep driving anymore, the air hitting me in the chest is unbearable.”
His girlfriend said, “Try putting your jacket on back to front.”
The boyfriend quickly made the change, and they continued roaring down the road until the next bend! The boyfriend was going far too fast, lost control, and the couple was both flung into a ditch.
A passing motorist stopped, rushed over to help, then ran to call the police.
The police telephone operator asked, “Are they showing any signs of life?”
“Well,” the motorist explained, “the girl seems OK, and her boyfriend was moving until I turned his head around the right way!”
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After four years of separation, a man and his wife finally divorced amicably.
He wanted to date again, but he had no idea of how to start, so he decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.
After reading through all the listings, he circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but he put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on his answering machine from his ex-wife:
“I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don’t call the one in the second column. It’s me.”
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A couple whose marriage was on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.
“So,” said the counsellor, “you know the consequences, and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally.”
The wife flared up. “You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? Must I give him half? My money?”
“Yes,” said the counsellor. “He gets $2,000. You get $2,000.”
“What about my furniture? I paid for that.”
“Same thing,” answered the counsellor. “Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen.”
There was a challenging gleam in the wife’s eye.
“What about our three children?”
That stumped him. Shrewdly, he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer, “Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children, and your husband takes two.”
The wife shook her head. “No, I’m sure that wouldn’t work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn’t have the three I got.”
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’“ and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple. “Oh, come on!,” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”
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One man shared this advice on how he was able to make through 50 years of marriage:
At Saint Mary’s Catholic Church they have a weekly husband’s marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, “Well, I’ve tried to treat her nizza, spend money on her, but best of all is that I took her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!”
The Priest responded, “Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.”
Luigi proudly replied, “I’m gonna go get her.”
