Jay had always ordered a beverage by simply saying, “A Coke, please.”
However, recently waitresses had been responding, “I’m sorry, we don’t have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Thums Up, Dew, Sprite, Fanta… ”
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, Jay decided to make life easier. So one day, he simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a “Dark, Carbonated beverage.”
The young man behind the counter looked up and said, “Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?”
===============================================
As a restaurant owner, I hired a pianist and a harpist to entertain my customers.
After several performances, I discovered that the pianist had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified the police, who arrested her.
Desperate for another pianist, I called a friend who knew some musicians.
“What happened to the pianist you had?” he asked me.
“I had her arrested,” I replied. We said goodbye and hung up.
A few minutes later, my friend called back and asked, “How badly did she play?”
===============================================
Paddy & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, “Suits Pound 5.00 each, Shirts Pound 2.00 each, Trousers Pound 2.50 per pair”.
Paddy said to his pal, “Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these, and when we get back to Scotland, we could make a fortune. Now, when we go in, you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I’ll put on my best London accent.”
“OK, Paddy, I’ll keep my mouth shut,” said Jimmy.
They go in, and Paddy said in a posh voice, “Hello, my good man. I’ll take 50 suits at Pound 5.00 each, 100 shirts at Pound 2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at Pound 2.50 each. I’ll back up my truck, ready to load them on, old chap!”
The owner of the shop said quietly, “You’re from Scotland, aren’t you?”
“Well, yes,” said a surprised Paddy. “What gave it away?”
The owner replied, “This is a dry cleaners……..”
===============================================
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, “Big Lobster Tales, $5 each.”
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, “Five dollars each for lobster tails. Is that correct?”
“Yes,” she said. “It’s our special just for today.”
“Well,” he said, “They must be little lobster tails.”
“No,” she replied, “It’s the really big lobster.”
“Big red lobster tails, $5 each”? he said, amazed. “They must be old lobster tails!”
“No, they’re definitely today’s.”
“Today’s big red lobster tails, $5 each?” he repeated, astounded.
“Yes,” she insisted.
“Well, here’s my five dollars,” he said. “I’ll take one.”
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, “Once upon a time, there was a really big, red lobster…”
===============================================
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated.
All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly beautiful waitress came to his table. “What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then looks at her, then answers, “A quickie.” The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?”
Again the man looks at her and answers, “A quickie, please.” This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers… “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘Quiche.'”
===============================================
A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Saudi Arabia.
A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Saudis?”
The salesman explained, “When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem. I didn’t know how to speak Arabic. So I planned to convey the message through three posters. First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking Coca-Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed. And then these posters were posted all over the place.
“Terrific! That should have worked” said the friend.
“The hell it should have!” said the salesman. “No one told me they read from right to left.”
