A blonde goes to a auto parts store and asks for a Seven Ten cap.
Everybody look at each other and ask, “What’s a seven ten cap?”
She says…, “You know, it’s right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one.”
“What kind of a car is it?” they ask.
She says that it’s a Buick.
“Okay, Lady, how big is it?”
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
“What does it do?”
She says, “I don’t know, but it’s always been there.”
One of the guy gives her a note pad and asks her if she can draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.
The guys on the opposite side of the counter are looking at as she writes it…and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard.
One guy says, “I think you want an OIL cap.”
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If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull but that’s not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My spare tyres are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here’s the worst of it…
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter….. either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
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There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow.
He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted “240-S”.
The dealer asks, “Why ‘S’?”
The snail replies, “‘S’ stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who’s driving.”
Well, the dealer doesn’t want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they’d say “Wow! Look at that S-car go!”
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Cinderella was now 75 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The Fairy Godmother replied: “Well, Cinderella, as you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish: “I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said: “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!”
The Fairy Godmother replied: “It’s the least I can do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.” At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke: “You have one more wish, what will you have?”
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.”
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a boy so beautiful – the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen – so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke: “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms.
He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath: “I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”
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Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “If I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, comfortable.”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s a blonde. She’ll read it slowly.”
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A blonde brought her baby to a doctor.
After examining, the doctor right away determined that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for eardrops.
In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the blonde returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
Put two drops in R ear every four hours.
