A local community club was organizing a baseball team.
They could only muster eight players, and were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just moved into the neighborhood, to join their team.
During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the very first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.
The team members stood there, dumfounded. Unfortunately, so did the Englishman.
“Run!” his teammates cried. “For Pete’s sake, run!”
The Brit turned and stared at them icily. “I jolly well shan’t run,” he replied. “I’m perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball.”
==============================================
A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy’s organization connected with a prominent church.
The team was recently challenged by a rival club. The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to the captain, with the direction that the money should be used to buy bats, balls, gloves, or anything else that might help to win the game.
On the day of the game, the pastor was somewhat surprised to observe nothing new in the club’s paraphernalia. He called the captain to him. “I don’t see any new bats, or balls, or gloves,” he said.
“We haven’t anything like that,” the captain admitted.
“But I gave you five dollars to buy them,” the pastor exclaimed.
“Well, you see,” came the explanation, “you told us to spend it for bats, or balls, or gloves, or anything that we thought might help to win the game, so we gave it to the umpire.”
==============================================
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the National Anthem started….the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts” and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem …he yelled, “Down Nuts”. And they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts.” They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts!!!” and they all started booing and cat calling.
Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a soda and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, “What in the world happened?”
The assistant replied, “Well, everything was going just fine until a vendor passed by and yelled, ‘PEANUTS!'”
==============================================
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol… .”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.
Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”
Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
==============================================
A prison governor is appalled by the poor standard of English used by the inmates of his prison.
To rectify this problem he decides to employ a teacher from the local grammar school to set up remedial English classes.
In the first lesson, the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics.
“Who knows what always comes after a sentence?” she asks.
All the prisoners answer together, “The appeal!”
==============================================
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.
“Can you imagine, a people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?”
When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, “What I’ve been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast.”
