A man goes into a cafe and asks for breakfast prepared in a specific way.
“I want a full cooked breakfast,” he tells the man behind the counter, “but I need it cooked a certain way.”
“Can I have chicken that’s so burnt that it’s blackened like pieces of chiseled anthracite?” he asks. “I will need the sausages to be so rubbery that you could bounce them off the ground and they would hit the roof,” he further specifies.
“Also, can I have all the shells broken up in my scrambled eggs so it tastes like an egg praline, served alongside charred toasts?” he continues. “And can I have the tomatoes, mushrooms, and beans so overcooked and watery that they just taste like greasy congealed slime?”
The man behind the counter given him a stern look and exclaims, “Don’t be ridiculous! You expect me to have the time to do all of that for you?!”
“Well, no,” the guy replies, “but you seemed to find the time yesterday.”
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Jimmy and Matty, ages 8 and 4, were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew if any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. The mother sent Matty in the morning, and planned to send Jimmy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!”
Again, Matty made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”
Matty, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”
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The elephantine memory
A man visits India and meets an old man at the Town Square who is renowned for his elephantine memory.
He asks the old man what he had for breakfast on the same day 15 years back.
“Eggs,” replies the old man.
The man scoffs at this saying everyone has eggs for breakfast and walks away.
Ten years later, he returns to India and sees the same old man on the same spot, goes to him and asks, “How?”
The old man takes one look at his face and replies, “Scrambled.”
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A little old Texas lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”
“Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “At least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon. I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
