A girl was too vain to wear glasses, but she always managed to conceal completely the fact that she was very, very shortsighted.
In due course she got married and went off with her husband on their honeymoon. When she got back her mother shrieked and ran to the telephone. She called on oculist.
“Doctor, come over here right away! It`s an emergency. My daughter has always refused to wear glasses and now she`s back from her honeymoon and -”
The doctor interrupted her, “Madam, please calm yourself! Ask your daughter to come to see me. No matter how bad her eyes are, it can`t be that much of an emergency.”
“Oh no?” screamed the mother. “Well this fellow she`s got with her isn`t the one she went on honeymoon with.”
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,
“You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late.”
His buddy looks at him and says,
“Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘How about a little…?’ and she pretends that she’s asleep!”
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A married man was visiting his mistress when she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she’d k*ll me!”
“Oh, please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.
“Oh, really, I can’t,” he replies. “My wife loves this beard!”
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night, James crawls into bed with his wife while she’s sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, “Oh, Michael, you shouldn’t be here, my husband will be home soon.”
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’“ and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple. “Oh, come on!,” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”
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One man shared this advice on how he was able to make through 50 years of marriage:
At Saint Mary’s Catholic Church they have a weekly husband’s marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, “Well, I’ve tried to treat her nizza, spend money on her, but best of all is that I took her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!”
The Priest responded, “Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.”
Luigi proudly replied, “I’m gonna go get her.”
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A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.
The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around.
Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he’s still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
“No, she’ll never go for a man with a wooden eye,” the man says.
“Okay, how about that girl over there?” His friend responds. “She has a really big nose”.
The man walks over to the girl and asks, “Would you like to dance?”
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses
“Would, I?! Would I?!”
To which the man quickly responds “Big nose! Big nose!”
