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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I’m getting a little *&%#@ sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!”
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”
The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel!! No, think of another wish!”
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say nothing; . . . know how to make them truly happy . .”
The genie said, “You want that bridge with two lanes or four?”
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Three travelers — an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian — were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne.
The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.
“Aah, we’re right over my homeland!” he said.
“How can you tell?” asked the American.
“I can feel the cold air,” he replied.
A few days later, the African man put his hand through the clouds.
“Aah, we’re right over my homeland!” he said.
“How do you know that?” asked the Russian.
“I can feel the heat of the desert,” he replied.
Several more days later, the American put his hand through the clouds.
“Aah, we’re right over New York!”
The Russian and the African were amazed.
“How do you know all of that?” they asked.
The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. “My watch is missing.”
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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father visited the city for the very first time.
They wandered around, marveling at the different sights. Eventually, they got to a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but they were especially amazed at two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this Father?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady passed between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son: “Junior, go get your Mother.”
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Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears.
“I have three wishes, so I’ll give one to each of you,” the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
“Alright,” he says, “I’ll have a big, juicy, piece of meat.”
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he’d ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
“I know! I’ll have a shower of meat!”
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
“I’ve got it!” he cries, “I want a MEATIER shower!”
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One day in a language school in Australia.
Teacher: “All right, now I`d like you to make a sentence using the words GREEN, PINK and YELLOW. Who`d like to try?”
A student raised his hand. It was Kukoya from Japan.
Kukoya: “Early this morning, I looked out the window, I saw the GREEN grass and PINK roses in the garden. I went outside and I feel the warm YELLOW sunlight around me.”
Teacher: “Not bad. Okay, who`s next?”
Another student raised his hand. It was Weng from Singapore.
Weng: “I try! I try. Can aaah?”
Teacher “No, no, not you”
Weng: “Aaaiiyaaa… let me try lah… I can do lah… you think I`m stupid meeeh..?”
Teacher: “Okay.. go ahead”
Weng: “This morning I heard the phone GREEEEEN…GREEEEEN… I PINK it up and I said YELLOOOOW?”
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There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia.
He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.
After a week or two, his mother called to see how her son was doing in his new life.
“I’m fine, ” Angus said. “But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.”
“Well, my dear,” says his mother, “I suggest you don’t associate with people like that.”
“Oh,” says Angus, “I don’t, Mam, I don’t. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.”
