A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.
As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, “Give that man five days in the lockup for vomiting!”
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
“Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he’d also took a dump in your pants.”
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Two guys narrowly escaped from a sinking ship on a life raft and discovered a magic lamp tucked away in a dark cranny.
Figuring what the hell, one of the men gave the lamp a rub and “poof,” a cloud of smoke. A second later, a genie appeared and said, “I will grant each of you one wish.”
After thinking a while, the first man turned to the genie and said, “I wish I were floating on an ocean of beer.”
The genie granted the man’s wish and disappeared.
The man’s companion turned to him and said, “Way to go idiot. Now we have to pee in the boat.”
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A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog.
After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man.
However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner.
The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction.
He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him.
The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash.
He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck.
By now, the man is getting depressed and frustrated.
As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf.
She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there’s ANYTHING she could do for him.
The man thinks for a moment and then responds: “Could you take the dog for a walk?”
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An Army major was conducting a field test when communications went dead, just when headquarters initiated a call to him.
Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.
When the major and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook the major’s hand.
“Don’t congratulate me, sir,” he said modestly as he pointed to his driver. “It was all the sergeant’s doing.”
The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. “Congratulations,” he said. “The major’s wife just had a baby girl.”
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Three Soldiers had just gotten out of the Army and decided to celebrate by taking a helicopter ride.
One of the soldiers is eating a banana and says, “I wonder if we’d be able to see it land, if I threw the peel out?” Out goes the peel and they all watch it but don’t see it land.
One of the others has a rock and says “This is bigger, we should be able to see it land.” They all watch, but don’t see it land.
The last one takes a grenade out of his pocket, pulls the pin and tosses it out of the door.
“We’ll see that when it hits.” They watch, but still nothing.
Walking home they see a little girl crying and they ask, what’s wrong?
“Well I was walking and slipped on a banana peel that came from nowhere.”
The soldiers explain what happened and are helping the girl home when they see a little boy sitting on the side of the road holding his head. They ask what happened?
“I was walking when a rock hit me on the head.”
They tell the story again and start to wonder what happened to the grenade.
One of them races ahead and sees an old lady laughing hysterically. He asks what’s so funny?
The old lady says, “I just farted and my house blew up!!”
