A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern.
He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.
There’s a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, “Help me, I’m cold! Someone help me, I’m cold!”
At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar and hears the noise.
He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, “Of course you’re cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!”
================================================
A drunken man was wandering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.
“What the heck are you doing ?” he asks the drunk.
“I’m looking for my car, and I can’t find it,” he replies.
“So how does feeling the roof help you ?” asks the puzzled manager.
“Well,” replies the drunk earnestly, “MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!”
================================================
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ….”
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! The Devil and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”
The man said, “Beat it, kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”
The old man beat the boy to the gate.
================================================
A man goes into a bar very thirsty.
He sits down waiting for the bartender to see him.
The man next to him calls for the bartender, saying, “I’ll have another waterloo.”
The bartender gives him a tall ice-cold drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink.
Wanting to try this new drink, he says, “I’ll have a waterloo, too.” The bartender gives him a tall, ice-cold drink.
He takes a big drink and says, “HEY! This isn’t any good. It tastes just like water!”
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, “Well, it is water… right, Lou?”
================================================
A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend.
By the time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen, and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water.
He tried soaking it in hot water, but the leg became more swollen and more painful.
His maid saw him limping and said, “I don’t know, I’m only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling.”
He tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly subsided.
On Monday morning, he called his Doctor again to complain, “Say, Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water, and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water, and it got better.”
“Really?” answered the doctor, “I don’t understand it – my maid said hot water.”
================================================
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold, indeed!” the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
“Is it going to be a very cold winter?” he asked.
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
“Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It looks like it’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.
