Jay is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.
While Jay is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jay was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
Jay is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
“Hey! Why don’t you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That’ll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something.”
Jay is startled by the patient’s seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident.
Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. “You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?”
The patient smiles and says, “I’m in here because I’m crazy, not because I’m stupid.”
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One day a truck driver was driving down a highway when he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a blonde in a little blue car tailgating him.
Well, this truck driver hated to be tailgated, so he stops his truck and walks over to the car, which had also stopped and said, “Hey, lady, if you don`t stop tailgating me, I`m going to bust up your car.”
So he gets back in truck and drives away.
A little while later he looks in his rearview mirror, and sees the blonde tailgating him again. So he stops his truck, gets out, and walks over to the car, saying, “Hey lady, stop tailgating me, or I`ll bust up your car.”
So he gets back in his truck and drives away.
A little while later he again looks in his rearview mirror, and once again the blonde is tailgating him. So he stops his truck, walks over to the car, and says, “Lady, get out.”
So the blonde steps out of her car, and the truck driver draws a circle on the roadside, saying, “Now don`t step out of that circle.”
Then he proceeds to bust up the blonde`s car. Smashing the windshields and windows. And the blonde starts laughing.
The truck driver rips out the seats, and busts all the tires. And the blonde keeps laughing.
He takes a sledge hammer from his truck, and pounds in the frame, rips out the steering wheel, cuts the brake lines, etc, until the car is completely totaled. And the blonde is still laughing.
The truck driver walks over to the blonde, and says, “Lady, I just completely totaled your car, and you`re still laughing. What is so funny?????”
The blonde replies, giggling, “I stepped out the circle and you didn`t see me!!!!!!!!”
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One afternoon, this blonde drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.
On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.
Blonde rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?”
“I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?”
With a smile in his face, blonde hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.
A bit irritated, blonde stops, cranks down the window, and says, “What can I do for you?”
“I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?”
Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of cola and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.
To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, blonde decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, “Let me guess. You`re the blue jerk of the highway. Just what the hell do you want?”
“Driver`s license and registration, please.”
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Charlie was a very successful marketing director.
Sadly, his wife Rita died. At the cemetery, Joe’s friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads:
“Here lies Rita, wife of Charlie, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd.”
Charlie was standing in front of Rita’s grave, reading the headstone, when he suddenly burst into tears.
His brother says to him, “I’m not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It’s right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on our Rita’s headstone.”
Through his tears, Joe sobs, “You don’t understand. They left out the phone number.”
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A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help.
The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he’d wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt.
Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.
“Hello, there,” said the motorist. “Say, I’ve changed a lot of tires….. maybe I can help here.”
“You sure can,” the man with the flat tire replied wearily. “My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I will concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done.”
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A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.
The very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful after-school enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I`ll give you each a dollar if you`ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. “Look” he said, “I haven`t received my Social Security check yet, so I`m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”
“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we`re going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you`re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!”
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
