An old Italian Don is dying, so he calls his grandson to his bed.
“Grandson, I wanna you listening to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome-plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns, … how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead.”
“You listened to me. Some day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home, and maybe a couple of bambini. Am I right?”
“Yes, Grandpa, I guess so.”
“Ok, so someday you’re gonna come home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whada you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say, TIMES UP!”
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The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed.
The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.
The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck-toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.
Finally, one of them muttered to the other, “Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear,” carefully spelling the key word.
Whereupon the child piped up, “But awfully s-m-a-r-t!”
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It was very crowded and noisy in this restaurant and this blonde girl asks the waiter where the restroom was.
And he says, “I can’t hear you!”
So she gets close to his ear and asks again, “Can you please tell me where the ladies room is?”
And he replies, “On the other side!”
So she turns around and gets close to his other ear, and asks, “Can you please tell me where the ladies room is, please!”
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette die and go to heaven…
There they are greeted by St. Peter who looks at them grimly.
“Unfortunately, heaven is quite full at the moment so you must all undergo a test to prove your worth. Before you all is the stairway to heaven totalling one thousand steps. On each step I will tell you a joke, they will get progressively funnier as you go higher with the funniest joke you’ve ever heard on the thousandth step. Should you laugh at any moment, you will instantly be sent to hell. Do you understand?”
The three girls nodded.
“Then let us begin,” St. Peter said.
They each got on the first step and St. Peter proceeds to tell them the worst joke you’ve ever heard in the world. As expected, none of them laugh and they proceed to the next step.
At the 365th step, the redhead bursts into laughter and is instantly sent to hell. The blonde and the brunette soldier onward. Once they get to the 800th step, the brunette doubles over in laughter and is instantly sent to hell.
St. Peter continues with the jokes, trying his hardest to get the blonde to laugh but to no avail. When they arrive at the 1000th step, before he could even open his mouth, the blonde shrieks hysterically dying from laughter. She is instantly sent to hell.
Puzzled, St. Peter descends down to hell to find the blonde. When he sees her he asks, “My child, you were doing so well. How come you started laughing? I have not even begun to tell the joke.”
The blonde, still laughing, replies, “I finally got the first joke!!”
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A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party. He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two.
He said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!”
The wife went red with shock and rage. She shouted: “Who was that?”
The drunk manager was so frightened that he forgot the second half of the joke, and he blurted out, “I can’t remember!”
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Many ladies used to sit together every evening in a park and talk nonstop.
One day, they were sitting very, very quietly.
A gentleman who would walk past the noisy group every day was surprised to see them all so quiet.
He inquired about this, to which they replied, “You see, today we are ALL present, so we don’t know who to gossip about.”
