Emma was giving an upper-crust party and had hired Sophie, a girl recently come from a remote village, as a maid.
As Sophie was setting up the tea service, Emma told her to be certain that there were sugar tongs available.
Sophie had never heard of sugar tongs, and asked her what they were and why they were used.
Emma, always happy to Enlighten the Unenlightened, told Sophie that the problem lay with the gentlemen, who would go to the loo, and to do what they needed to do, had to touch things which were less than acceptably sanitary.
“Sure, Ma’am,” Sophie said, impressed.
After the guests had begun arriving that evening, Emma was dismayed and infuriated not to see any sugar tongs on the tea service.
Sophie, trembling, came quickly in answer to Emma’s angry shout.
“But… but, ma’am, I put the tongs out just as you told me to.”
Furious Emma pointed to the tea table, devoid of tongs, “Then where are they, young woman?”
“Why, they’re in the loo, of course.”
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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.
“Oh, well, never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,” the husband explained.
“She was a communications major in college, and I majored in theatre arts.”
He continued, “She communicates well, and I act like I’m listening.”
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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he ran into a couple of old friends and began to yuck it up and he soon forgot about his wife’s party.
It was well past 10 when he remembered. “Oh no!!! My wife’s dinner party!!!”
He grabbed his bucket, and ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!!”
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Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Oh, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath,
“You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
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A woman takes her little boy to visit their dead relatives’ gravestones at a cemetery.
The little boy has never been to a cemetery before. The woman first takes her son her grandmother Annie’s gravestone.
The initials under Annie’s name say R.I.P. The little boy asks, “Mommy, what does R.I.P. stand for?”
His mother replies, “It stands for ‘Rest in Peace.’ That means we wish for Grandma Annie’s spirit to find peace in the afterlife.”
Then, they come across the gravestone of the woman’s uncle Joe. The little boy asks, “Mommy, what does R.I.H. stand for?”, pointing to the initials printed under Uncle Joe’s name.
“We really didn’t like Uncle Joe.” Said his mother.
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Billy and Joe were talking one afternoon.
Billy tells Joe, “You know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation.”
He continues, “Only this year I’m gonna do it a little differently. In the last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii, and Eva got pregnant.”
“Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Eva got pregnant again.”
“Last year you suggested Tahiti, and darned if Eva didn’t get pregnant again.”
Joe asks Billy, “So, what are you gonna do this year that’s different?”
Billy says, “This year I’m taking Eva with me.”
