A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support.
The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.
“This time you stole a can of tomatoes. There were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?”
The woman agreed.
“Then I sentence you to six nights in jail.”
The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, “Your honor, may I approach the bench?”
“Well,” said his honor, “this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench.”
The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, “She also stole a can of peas.”
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A new supermarket opened in San Antonio, Texas.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.
In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal-grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of freshly-baked bread and cookies.
I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore!
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A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago.
He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co-worker said he should reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: “Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working.”
The first asked “What did you do there?”
To which the other replied, “I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.”
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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”
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Two little boys stole a bag of mangoes from their neighbor and decided to go to a calm place to share the loot.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, 2 mangoes fell out of the bag behind the gate but they didn’t bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
Few minuets latter a drunkard on his way from a local bar passes near the cemetery gate and heard a voice: “One for me, one for you.”One for me, one for you.”
He immediately sobers up and runs as fast as he can to the local priest.
“Father father please come with me, come and witness God & Satan sharing corpse at the cemetery.”
They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: “One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you, one for me, one for you…
Suddenly the voice stop counting and says: “Hey, What about the two at the gate?”
The priest and the drunkard took to their heels shouting, “We are not dead yet… we are not dead yet… we are not dead yet…”
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After a meeting several days ago, I couldn’t find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal “TSA Pat Down.”
They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition. He’s afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: “I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.”
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. “Are you kidding me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, can you come and get me?”
He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your car!”
Welcome to the golden years…
