An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went on a mountain-climbing expedition together.
Everything was going fine until one day, while they were walking along a narrow ledge, an avalanche ripped away the ledge on each side of them.
As they stood there wondering what to do, with the freezing night closing in, there was a strange shimmering in the air, and a good fairy appeared, floating in front of them. She raised her wand and declared that, as they had all been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so forth, she was to rescue them from their terrible plight. Each of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice to get safely off the mountain, and would return to their normal form once they reached home. She turned first to the Englishman and asked what he wanted to be.
“A swan,” he replied, and a beautiful white swan replaced him. Stepping off the ledge, it spread its wings and flew off to England.
The fairy turned to the Scotsman, who immediately and proudly chose a golden eagle, which he became. With a magnificent swoop, he launched from the ledge and soared away, glorying in the freedom of flight as he returned home.
The Irishman watched the two birds disappearing into the distance from the ledge as the fairy turned to him. “And what bird do you choose?” she asked.
He thought, and mused, then said, “A penguin.”
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Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
“I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total,” says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.”
So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye “poof” the oceans were teeming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.”
Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye “poof” there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”
The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.”
The Irishman says, “Please Fill it up with water.”
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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Because Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If any of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”
The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings”
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
“Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!”
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
“Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!”
The Devil brought forward a chair.
“Drill 7 holes in the seat.”
The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?”
The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”
“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my ass hole.”
And the idiot went to Heaven.
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette die and go to heaven…
There they are greeted by St. Peter who looks at them grimly.
“Unfortunately, heaven is quite full at the moment so you must all undergo a test to prove your worth. Before you all is the stairway to heaven totalling one thousand steps. On each step I will tell you a joke, they will get progressively funnier as you go higher with the funniest joke you’ve ever heard on the thousandth step. Should you laugh at any moment, you will instantly be sent to hell. Do you understand?”
The three girls nodded.
“Then let us begin,” St. Peter said.
They each got on the first step and St. Peter proceeds to tell them the worst joke you’ve ever heard in the world. As expected, none of them laugh and they proceed to the next step.
At the 365th step, the redhead bursts into laughter and is instantly sent to hell. The blonde and the brunette soldier onward. Once they get to the 800th step, the brunette doubles over in laughter and is instantly sent to hell.
St. Peter continues with the jokes, trying his hardest to get the blonde to laugh but to no avail. When they arrive at the 1000th step, before he could even open his mouth, the blonde shrieks hysterically dying from laughter. She is instantly sent to hell.
Puzzled, St. Peter descends down to hell to find the blonde. When he sees her he asks, “My child, you were doing so well. How come you started laughing? I have not even begun to tell the joke.”
The blonde, still laughing, replies, “I finally got the first joke!!”
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Three women, a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette, are lost in the forest while hunting.
They each have a shotgun with 2 bullets. They make a fire. Then the redhead gets up and goes hunting.
She comes back with 2 rabbits.
The other two say, “Wow, where did you get that?”
She says, “I found tracks. I followed the tracks. I saw rabbits. Rabbits ran. I shot. Rabbits stopped.”
Then the brunette leaves and comes back with a deer.
The other two say, “Wow, where did you get that?”
She says, “I found tracks. I followed the tracks. I saw a deer. The deer ran. I shot. Deer stopped.”
The blonde leaves and comes crawling back, all bloodied and black and blue.
The others say, “Wow, where did you get that?”
She says, “I found tracks. I followed the tracks. I saw a train. The train ran. I shot. The train didn’t stop!!”
