A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman.
After a while, the woman starts to smell this horrible odour coming from the direction of the drunk.
She turns to him and says, “Excuse me, Mister, but did you just shit yourself?”
The drunk replied, “Yes ma’am, I have indeed shit myself.”
The woman says, “Well, why don’t you go somewhere and clean yourself up?”
The drunk says, “‘Cos I’m not finished yet…”
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Bill piled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced,
“My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
“What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired.
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she’d run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, ‘My old man’s home! My old man’s home!
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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
Captain Hook “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a c.annon ball, but I’m fine now.”
“Well, OK, but what about that hook? “What happened to your hand?”
“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a s.word fight. My hand was c.ut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird shit.”
“It was my first day with the hook.”
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Jay walked into a bar one evening, sat down, and said, “Barman, give me 1 bottle of beer, and give everybody here 2 bottles. As I am drinking, let them be drinking.”
The barman obeyed. Everybody hailed Jay.
As they were all drinking, Jay said, “Barman, give me 1 bowl of chicken soup, and give everybody here 2 bowls of chicken soup each, as I am eating, let them be eating.”
The barman obeyed. Everybody praised Jay.
Minutes later, Jay said, “Barman, bring me my bill, and bring everybody their bill, as I am paying, let them be paying.”
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There is this corner bar that has three entrances, one on each street, and one on the corner.
A drunk walks into one entrance, and bartender refuses to serve him, telling him he is too drunk.
So, the drunk leaves, stumbles down to the corner where he finds the second entrance. He enters again, and is refused service again. He stares at the bartender, falls back out into the street, turns the corner, and finds the third entrance.
He goes back into the bar, sees the bartender, and stops dead in his tracks.
After studying the bartender for a long moment, he exclaims, “Good grief! Do you own all the bars in town?”
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A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner, Liam.
After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $5,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger,
“Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn`t dance a single step!”
“Well,” said Banta, “Did you remember to light a candle under the pot?”
