This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looked over at a nearby table and saw a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks, “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?”
“Yes,” she replies, “He’s my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
“That’s remarkable,” the husband replies, “I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.”
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’“ and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple. “Oh, come on!,” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”
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A drunken man was wandering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.
“What the heck are you doing ?” he asks the drunk.
“I’m looking for my car, and I can’t find it,” he replies.
“So how does feeling the roof help you ?” asks the puzzled manager.
“Well,” replies the drunk earnestly, “MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!”
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A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife.
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.
The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”
The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”
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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he ran into a couple of old friends and began to yuck it up and he soon forgot about his wife’s party.
It was well past 10 when he remembered. “Oh no!!! My wife’s dinner party!!!”
He grabbed his bucket, and ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!!”
