Two privates were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal.
While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying.
“This here’s a big mule!”
“This ain’t no mule, this here’s a donkey.”
“Mule!”
“Donkey!”
Well, this went on for a while until the camp priest came by. “What are you boys doing?”
“We’re diggin’ a grave for this mule.”
“Donkey, dammit!”
The chaplain cut in, “Boys, this isn’t either one, it’s an ass.”
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, “What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?”
“No sir. We’re digging an asshole.”
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A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks.
The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn’t understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, “I appreciate how hard you’re both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.”
One of the city workers explained, “The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today.”
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A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day.
They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.
Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.
After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”
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This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign.
When the cop checked the man’s driver’s license, he said, “You’re wearing glasses on your ID, and you’re not now. I’m going to give you a ticket.”
The guy said, “Officer, I have contacts.”
The cop said, “Look, buddy, I don’t care who you know, I’m giving you a ticket.”
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Jay observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read “Unique Breakfast” so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
Jay: “What`s your `Unique Breakfast?`”
Waitress”Baked tongue of chicken.”
Jay: “Baked tongue of chicken?… Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken`s mouth!”
Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?”
“Just bring me scrambled eggs,” Jay replied.
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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff.
He thinks he’s smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia.
The sheriff asks for license and registration.
The lawyer asks, “What for?”
The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
The lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.”
“You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” say the sheriff impatiently.
The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
The sheriff says, “That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle.”
The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.
The sheriff says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”
