Newlyweds, Tim and Nancy, spent their wedding night at a hotel.
The following morning, Nancy’s closest friend, Jennifer, came over and asked them how their wedding night went.
“I’m so exhausted,” Nancy said. “All night long it was up and down, in and out, up and down, in and out.”
Misunderstanding her, an embarrased Jennifer was shocked that Nancy would speak so crassly.
Tim clarified by adding, “Don’t ever get a room next to an elevator!”
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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ”love, honor and obey” and ”be faithful to her forever,” I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:
“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”
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Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
“Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”
Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear…. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.”
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Jack, 92, and Gill, 89, living in Nelson, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.
Jack addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “I am.”
Jack: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jack: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds”
Jack: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jack: “How about suppositories?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jack: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jack: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.. why-”
Jack: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “yea, but why-”
Jack: “Adult incontinence pants?”
Pharmacist: “Sure. But WHY?”
“We’d like to use this store for our wedding registry.”
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Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa,
I called the hotel where I’d be staying to see if they had a gym.
The hotel receptionist’s sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it when she answered.
“We have over 300 guests at at this facility,” she said. “Does this ‘Jim’ have a last name?”
