Three priests were having lunch in a restaurant.
One said, “You know, all summer I have been having trouble with bats in the belfry. I’ve tried everything to get rid of them – noise, spray, cats – but nothing works.”
“Me too,” said the second. “I’ve got hundreds living there too. I even had the place fumigated, but still they stay.”
That’s simple, said the third, “I baptised all mine – made them members of the church… Haven’t had a single one back since!”
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A priest decides one mid weekday to visit one of his elderly parishioners, Mrs. Smith.
He rings the door bell and Mrs. Smith appears.
“Good Day Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how your are doing.”
The woman says, “Oh just fine Father, come on in and we`ll have some tea.”
While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. “Mind if I have one?”, the priest says.
“Not at all, have as many as you like”.
After a few hours the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visting says to Mrs Smith, “Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh dear, I`ve eaten all your almonds. I`ll have to replace them next time I visit.”
To which Mrs Smith replied, “Oh don`t bother, Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it`s all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them.”
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A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day.
They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.
Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.
After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”
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A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always, the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The preacher said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher.”
The preacher questioned, “How come I don’t see you except for Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
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The new priest was hosting a meeting in the church of the young candidates for First Communion, with their parents.
Now, this church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life, i.e., the life of the community of the faithful. Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.
And then he said, “You see, each one of you is a little pane,” and pointing to each child, he said, “You’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And….”
It took a few moments before he realized why all the parents were laughing so hard.
