A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar.
“Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?” he said to her.
“I don’t know,” replied the beautiful young woman. “It depends on how personal it is.”
“OK,” the guy said, “How many men have you slept with?”
“I’m not going to tell you that!” the woman exclaimed. “That’s my business!”
“Sorry,” said the guy, “I didn’t realize you made a living out of it.”
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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
Captain Hook “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a c.annon ball, but I’m fine now.”
“Well, OK, but what about that hook? “What happened to your hand?”
“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a s.word fight. My hand was c.ut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird shit.”
“It was my first day with the hook.”
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A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.
So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him,
“If there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.”
He responded, “Sure. You carry the suitcases!”
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A 60-year-old millionaire was getting married and threw a big wedding reception.
The big day arrived, and he got married to his stunning 23-year-old bride in the vast garden of his 50,000-square-foot mansion.
Champagne was flowing and an enormous team of waiters was flitting about serving the finest hors-d’oeuvres in the land.
Naturally, the millionaire’s less wealthy friends couldn’t help but feel jealous.
In a quiet moment, one of them asked him how he landed such a young beauty.
“Simple,” grinned the millionaire, “I faked my age.”
His friends were really amazed and asked him how old he said he was.
“87!” he replied.
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One day a young teen was in a church for the first time and he got a seat net to a not-so-good-looking woman.
The pastor was preaching and he said: “Tell your neighbour how beautiful they are.”
and the boy stood up and said pastor: “How can you expect me to lie in a church?”
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A lady noticed her friend
was wearing her wedding ring on the wrong finger so she asked,
“Why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
Her friend replied, “Because I married the wrong man!”
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A businessman was standing at the end of the pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The businessman complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The businessman then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.
The businessman then asked: “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The fisherman said: “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my friends. I have a full and busy life.”
The businessman scoffed. “I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The fisherman asked: “But how long will this all take?”
To which the businessman replied: “Fifteen or twenty years.”
“But what then?”
The businessman laughed and said: “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions”.
“Millions? Then what?”
The businessman said: “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends.”
