A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box.
He opens the door, sits down, and says nothing.
The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts.
Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies, “No use knocking, mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”
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A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always, the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The preacher said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher.”
The preacher questioned, “How come I don’t see you except for Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
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The new priest was hosting a meeting in the church of the young candidates for First Communion, with their parents.
Now, this church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life, i.e., the life of the community of the faithful. Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.
And then he said, “You see, each one of you is a little pane,” and pointing to each child, he said, “You’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And….”
It took a few moments before he realized why all the parents were laughing so hard.
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In an Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting.
The officiating clergyman says, “The Lord be with you.”
The congregation used to respond by saying, “And with thy spirit.”
But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, “The Lord be with you,” and everyone responds with, “And also with you.”
One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable.
As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, “There’s something wrong with this!”
Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, “And also with you.”
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A guy walks into an antique store
and buys a grandfather clock, he walks out of the shop with it and accidentally walks into a drunk guy. (they both fall over and the clock gets smashed to bits)
The guy says to the drunk, “Why don’t you watch where your going?” and the drunk says, “Why don’t you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?”
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Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. “You’re wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining.
Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
