Tim and Nancy lived in Anchorage, Alaska.
Right downtown. Their house was literally right downtown. But they had no indoor plumbing. They did, however, have an outhouse. The older Tim got, though, the further away it seemed to get.
One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he decided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch.
Nancy was pretty pissed about his decision. “Tim, you moron. Our neighbours can see you when you do that, you know.”
“It’s dark out,” said Tim, “they can’t see me.”
“Of course they can,” explained Nancy, “you’re silhouetted against the porch light and they can tell what you’re doing.”
He’d not given it THAT much thought, so he promised his wife he’d not do it again.
Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business.
He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, “You weren’t gone very long.”
“That’s right.”
“You went off the porch again, didn’t you?”
“Yes, I did.”
“We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbours can see you. They’ll know it was you and what you were doing out there. Aren’t you the least bit embarrassed?”
“Naw, they won’t know it’s me! This time I was squatting down!”
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There were these three Eskimos in the Canadian Territory of Nunavit, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were.
They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo’s igloo, where he said “Watch this!” and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor.
“Not bad” said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo’s igloo, and he said “Watch this!” and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.
“Wow, that’s colder than mine! “said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo’s igloo.
He said “Watch this!” and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went “FFFAAAARRRRTTT”. He won.
