A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.
“Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?”
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.
The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”
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An elderly woman visited a store and requested seven kilograms of potatoes.
The owner was delighted to help and started packing the potatoes. However, the woman stopped him and requested that each potato be wrapped individually. The man complied and asked if there was anything else he could help with.
The woman then requested four kilograms of onions to be wrapped in a similar manner. The shop owner packed the onions and asked if there was anything else.
The woman requested seven kilograms of carrots.
“Let me guess,” said the owner with a sour face, “you want them wrapped individually.”
“Oh, that would be grand.” she said.
The shop owner fulfilled her request and packed all her items in a bag.
The woman then asked: “What are in those crates behind you?”
The man flushed red and said “Madam, these are grapes and they are not for sale!”
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A burglar was sneaking into a museum, and he had to get past the guard on duty.
As he snuck behind the guard, he couldn’t help but notice the guard had his head in his hands, and he was crying.
“I can’t believe I’ve worked here for 10 years, and everyone has forgotten my birthday again!” He moaned. “Longer hours, more work, and no appreciation! I can’t do this anymore!” The guard said to himself as he continued to sob.
The burglar could easily sneak past, but found himself feeling bad for the guard. Instead of proceeding with his plan, the burglar’s sympathy for the guard got the better of him.
He marched right down to the museum curator’s office and kicked in the door. There sat the director of the museum, the head of HR, and the head of security in a meeting.
“What are you doing here? How did you get pass the guard?!?” shouted the museum director.
“Gentlemen,” said the burglar, “I’m afraid you’ve let your guard down.”
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An elderly woman had just returned to her home
from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!” (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks, breathing hard. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an ax and two 38’s!”
